The Lootitudes (Part I)
(1) And seeing the multitudes, corruption went up into Aso Rock; and when he was set, the politicians came unto him;
(2) And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:
(3) Blessed are the clueless in wisdom; for theirs is the Presidency of the nation.
(4) Blessed are they that rig elections, for they shall be elected.
(5) Blessed are the thieves; for they shall inherit the National Assembly.
(6) Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after public funds; for their accounts shall be filled.
(7) Blessed are the bribe-takers, for they shall obtain big bribes.
(8) Blessed are the Petroleum Ministers, for they shall loot trillions.
(9) Blessed are the bootlickers, for they shall be called the Federal Executhief Council.
(10) Blessed are they which are prosecuted for corruption’s sake; for theirs is the kingdom of wealth.
(11) Blessed are ye, when EFCC shall invite you, and interrogate you, and bring all manner of charges against you, for my sake.
(12) Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad; for fat are your accounts in Swiss banks; for so they prosecuted the politicians which were before you.
(13) Ye are the thieves of the nation; but if the thief have lost his craftiness, wherewith shall he be looting? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be charged to court, and be sentenced to prison.
(14) Ye are the liars of the nation, a lie that is carefully thought-out cannot be found out.
(15) Neither do politicians cook a big lie, and serve it to SaharaReporters, but to NTA; and it gives false hope unto all that watch the 9pm news.
(16) Let your gowns so flow before men, that they may see your big loots, and glorify your father which is in Ota.
(17) Think not that I am come to arrest the fuel marketers
(18) For verily I say unto you, till heaven and earth pass, one naira or one kobo shall not be left in the Federation Account, but all be looted away.
(19) Whosever shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the Asiwaju in the kingdom of corruption; but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called BOT Chairman in the kingdom of corruption.
(20) For I say unto you, except your corruption shall exceed the corruption of policemen and lawmakers, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of immunity.
(21) Ye have heard that it was said by them of the old time, Thou shall not loot; and whosoever shall loot shall be in danger of the judgment:
(22) But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his party without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say, stop looting, shall be in danger of penury, the elder brother of poverty.
(23) Therefore if thou bring thy loot to the UK, and there rememberest that the EFCC has case against thee
(24) Leave thy loot in a UK bank and go to Dubai; first be reconciled to the EFCC Chairman and come and enjoy thy loot.
(25) Bribe thy prosecutors quickly while thou art in the way with him; lest at any time he deliver thee to the judge, and the judge sentence thee, and thou be cast into prison.
(26) Verily I say unto you, thou shall by no means come out thence, till thou hast entered a plea bargain.
To be continued on omojuwa.com
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this zebbook boy don kolo finally oh, chai.
By: ife bamidele on May 3, 2012
at 5:03 PM
Na you be my oga now, with the kolo and everything, twale!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:10 PM
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha …. Bukkie ma pa mi pelu erin oooooo! I love this! KUDOS my guy.
By: ramblersinc on May 3, 2012
at 5:23 PM
Heheheheheheheh……….. Toyin, rora rerin o! I love you, sorry I love this too. Thanks sis
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:11 PM
Beautiful. Can’t say more!!!
By: Caleb on May 3, 2012
at 5:50 PM
Thanks Sir
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:11 PM
I applaud U sir..infact flesh and Blood has nt revealed dis to U
By: Ayflo on May 3, 2012
at 5:53 PM
LOL, not flesh and blood indeed! Thanks Sir
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:12 PM
Hmmmmmm……………funnybut true
By: pepperosy on May 3, 2012
at 6:16 PM
Truth in humour, thanks bro
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:12 PM
Reblogged this on Pepperosy's Blog.
By: pepperosy on May 3, 2012
at 6:20 PM
Ha….. I’m gonna reblog it too, told Bukky as soon as I read it. Genius!!!!! You don’t know how good you are.
By: tope olowu on May 3, 2012
at 7:49 PM
I dont, but I believe you!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:12 PM
chei! Brilliant appropriation.
God help Nigeria!
By: Ike Amadi on May 3, 2012
at 6:31 PM
Amen! We cant get tired of praying for her. Thanks for reading SIr
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:13 PM
Awesome! Pls which chapter in the unholy book can iit be found? Lmfao
By: Lola Seyi-Shotayo on May 3, 2012
at 6:42 PM
Unholy Book? Now thats a new one, might get to use it someday. Hehehehe
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:14 PM
Good one and very ingenious indeed. It is the sermon our politicians and other public office holders would want preached to them. However, the day of reconing is coming when there loots shall not be able to save them.
By: OyeFreeman on May 3, 2012
at 6:46 PM
The day of reckoning draws nearer for them, justice shall travel through this land and our people shall be liberated!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:15 PM
Good one and very ingenious indeed. It is the sermon our politicians and other public office holders would want preached to them. However, the day of reconing is coming when there loots shall not be able to save them. God bless Nigeria
By: OyeFreeman on May 3, 2012
at 6:46 PM
Gives one a smile in the face of the many monsters confronting us. Brilliant.
By: bolaji on May 3, 2012
at 6:47 PM
Thank you!!!!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:15 PM
Very brilliant piece!
By: Tolu Jawando on May 3, 2012
at 6:48 PM
Thanks so very much!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:16 PM
LOOTITUDE AS A CONCEPT WIL GRADUALLY FIND ITS WAY INTO THE NIGERIA’S POLITICAL LEXICON. I SALUTE UR UNIQUE INGENUITY AND SENSE OF DERISION. BUT LET ME ADD “blessed are those who may defiantly lead d Legislooters probe committee against d status-quo, for they shall forfeit their second term ticket”
By: Maxwell Ajukwu on May 3, 2012
at 6:49 PM
LOL, I love the flow…………… I just might use that in Chapter Two
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:17 PM
LMAO!!! This is sic! Good job hun 🙂
By: Payme on May 3, 2012
at 7:30 PM
You know how we do it now, #SUPERBLOGGERS
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:17 PM
waiting to see you do one from the book of the other popular religion and see what comments would be made.
By: norman on May 3, 2012
at 7:33 PM
I dont think we should bring religion into this, lets just enjoy the satire.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:18 PM
Nice one Bukky. May be it should be “Lootitude : The sermon on Mount Aso ” . Kudos!!
By: shimoshi1 on May 3, 2012
at 7:40 PM
It is no wonder, Nigerians are winning all the winnable awards there are in the writing world. Keep the ink from drying and the only way is to continue writing. Give it up to you.
By: Abmalik (@abmalik49) on May 3, 2012
at 7:41 PM
There are talents all over the country, all we need do is get men of vision into positions of power.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:20 PM
Comical but sadly is the reality in Nigeira. Nice article.
By: mohammed naseer ibraheem on May 3, 2012
at 7:49 PM
A sad reality it is! Thanks
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:20 PM
Reblogged this on TOPE OLOWU'S BLOG.
By: tope olowu on May 3, 2012
at 7:50 PM
LWKMD. Oh Bukola, You are soooo talented, its amazing. I read it over and over again. Please na! Propose na. So that my children go know book too. Well done B.
By: thisisEseosa on May 3, 2012
at 8:54 PM
LMAO! That there is a very selfish reason for wanting to marry me, do you even love me at all? Or its just the grey matter upstairs you are after? LOL
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:23 PM
LOL. Haba boo! Of course I love u na!The grey matter upstairs is just a bonus.
By: thisisEseosa on May 4, 2012
at 3:40 PM
The lootitudes delivered on the mount of ineptitude…you brightened my evening
By: Nsisong Effiong on May 3, 2012
at 8:56 PM
I am happy I did, lets keep the fire burning.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:21 PM
A very nice piece
By: Hassan yakubu on May 3, 2012
at 10:14 PM
Thanks a bunch.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:21 PM
While it cld be said to be ingenious, I felt I was reading the desecrated Word of God! It was mockery @ worse! You took a beautiful passage and uglified it in the name of what?? You cld written beautifully w/out going down this path. Sad.
By: hauwa abdullahi on May 4, 2012
at 2:20 AM
@ Hauwa Abdullahi; Honestly, I agree with you because I felt the same way when I read it at first. But on second thoughts, it’s actually not what it you think it is. This is a satire, aimed at the hearts of hypocrites who hide behind the sacredness of their titles and authority to commit their wicked acts.
This approach wasn’t meant to desecrate God or blasphem Him. I tell you, even God has put His stamp on it!! You can ask Him yourself-He’ll tell you.
By: Oluwatosin Bayeri on May 4, 2012
at 8:31 AM
We have serious problems in this nation Sis, serious ones!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:24 PM
Desecrate the word of God? Uglified a passage? Are you a Nigerian?
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:24 PM
Very funny, but brilliant. He is giving them tips on both sides(EFCC and you know) . But watch ur back o.
By: omobola on May 4, 2012
at 2:35 AM
LOL, nothing do me jare.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:25 PM
A nice one there
By: phylicia on May 4, 2012
at 6:10 AM
Thanks dear.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:25 PM
The Lootitudes?? We need to run a national advert about this-on newspapers, TV, Print, Internet……..what do you think? Great Article!!
By: Oluwatosin Bayeri on May 4, 2012
at 6:47 AM
The lootitudians control the print and electronic media o, na we own social media so our campaign continues here until we overthrow them. Thanks for reading!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 9:38 AM
Reblogged this on yomzie.
By: yomzie on May 4, 2012
at 6:56 AM
Ah ah ah!awon eleyi, won ko yati*permit my razzness*…You are the best.GBAM!
By: odebunmi omotolani on May 4, 2012
at 6:59 AM
Dey razz dey go abeg, do ya thing
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 9:36 AM
This is hillarious.
By: Abibeo on May 4, 2012
at 7:10 AM
Thanks
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 9:34 AM
Brilliant piece! LWKMD!!!
By: tyrone on May 4, 2012
at 8:16 AM
Thanks for reading!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:29 PM
This is funny but trueeeeeee……From the holy book (ARV) Aso-Rock Revised Version.
By: Abimbola on May 4, 2012
at 9:37 AM
ARV, na so! Hehehehe
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:28 PM
Thanks!
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 9:39 AM
Zebbook, you haff kill person oh. Abeg we dey wait for the part two.
By: gbengaosowe1 on May 4, 2012
at 9:59 AM
You might need to buy tickets to read the other Chapters though.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:27 PM
Blessed are the writers, for they shall reveal the truths. Zebbook, please go and patent that word against all the LOOTOCRATS
By: gbengaosowe1 on May 4, 2012
at 10:04 AM
Yes Boss! We go copyright am.
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:26 PM
Hilarious yet true
By: Kimono on May 4, 2012
at 10:30 AM
Thanks bro
By: zebbook on May 4, 2012
at 1:29 PM
This is the society we live in…very sad plight 4 we Nigerians. Verily, verily I say unto you, unless a man be born of loot, he shall not see the kingdom of wealth and immunity…
By: Naomi Yissa on May 4, 2012
at 11:57 PM
Nice one, actually d truth.
By: Olatunji Olufemi on May 5, 2012
at 6:55 AM
Reblogged this on Hasarla: Creating A New Reality.
By: hasarla on May 5, 2012
at 11:21 AM
Reblogged this on thisiseseosa and commented:
This is an amazing piece from a writer I look up to.
By: thisisEseosa on May 6, 2012
at 12:53 AM
I am speechless that’s y I haven’t commented till now. I am sure Jona and his ppl sef must have seen it. In church right now and Pastor Tunde Bakare was quoting the Lootitudes. Zebbook I celebrate you.
By: toyintun on May 6, 2012
at 11:35 AM
I have been looking for this article…I could remember reading the advert on Twitter. Great Conceptualisation, Zebbook. This’s a sound product from a creative mind. A sad story of a great nation!
By: Lanre Olagunju on May 9, 2012
at 4:48 AM
Orinigal n true…I’m compelled to comment.
By: Akeni Efe Harrison on May 11, 2012
at 8:59 AM
Hmm,all ministers of God who are real change agents must read this! Else,Babylonian system will penetrate……..God bless you sir!
By: Tope Awofisayo on June 11, 2012
at 4:08 PM
Quite inventive
By: Steve on June 16, 2012
at 4:35 PM
This is crazy and hillarious. Can’t stop laffing.
By: ELCREAM ADEBANJO on June 16, 2012
at 5:18 PM
God shall bless thee for thy truth which ye has spoken. Three bgoza bgoza gboza!!! For you
By: wannabe has been on June 21, 2012
at 12:40 AM
NICE MAN , YOU JUST BROUGHT THEM OUT TO THE PUBLIC. KEEP THE GOOD WORK .
By: MUHAMMED YAHAYA on November 22, 2012
at 9:40 PM
Hilarious, brilliant. However i just can’t imagine the number Igbo shops, churches, Christian homes that will be burnt if a part of the Quran was allegedly ‘mistranslated’ or ‘modified’ like this……am not too comfortable with the murder of this passages.. I can understand with Hauwa Abdullahi
By: John Yem on November 23, 2012
at 9:01 PM
Reblogged this on THE LIGHT OF AFRICA!! and commented:
Behold d height of creativity & d beauty of humour
Note dat dis is d same writer now under fire 4tweetin sumtin lik “If Jesus criticises Jonathan, his govt will accuse Jesus of fuckin Mary Magdalene”
He he he… Funny but true. Dont u agree?
Nigerians ar hypocrites, I swear. Zebbook, well done jarè
By: King kObOkO on January 30, 2013
at 7:15 AM