Posted by: zebbook | May 3, 2012

THE LOOTITUDES

The Lootitudes (Part I)

(1) And seeing the multitudes, corruption went up into Aso Rock; and when he was set, the politicians came unto him;

(2) And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:

(3) Blessed are the clueless in wisdom; for theirs is the Presidency of the nation.

(4) Blessed are they that rig elections, for they shall be elected.

(5) Blessed are the thieves; for they shall inherit the National Assembly.

(6) Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after public funds; for their accounts shall be filled.

(7) Blessed are the bribe-takers, for they shall obtain big bribes.

(8) Blessed are the Petroleum Ministers, for they shall loot trillions.

(9) Blessed are the bootlickers, for they shall be called the Federal Executhief Council.

(10) Blessed are they which are prosecuted for corruption’s sake; for theirs is the kingdom of wealth.

(11) Blessed are ye, when EFCC shall invite you, and interrogate you, and bring all manner of charges against you, for my sake.

(12) Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad; for fat are your accounts in Swiss banks; for so they prosecuted the politicians which were before you.

(13) Ye are the thieves of the nation; but if the thief have lost his craftiness, wherewith shall he be looting? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be charged to court, and be sentenced to prison.

(14) Ye are the liars of the nation, a lie that is carefully thought-out cannot be found out.

(15) Neither do politicians cook a big lie, and serve it to SaharaReporters, but to NTA; and it gives false hope unto all that watch the 9pm news.

(16) Let your gowns so flow before men, that they may see your big loots, and glorify your father which is in Ota.

(17) Think not that I am come to arrest the fuel marketers

(18) For verily I say unto you, till heaven and earth pass, one naira or one kobo shall not be left in the Federation Account, but all be looted away.

(19) Whosever shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the Asiwaju in the kingdom of corruption; but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called BOT Chairman in the kingdom of corruption.

(20) For I say unto you, except your corruption shall exceed the corruption of policemen and lawmakers, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of immunity.

(21) Ye have heard that it was said by them of the old time, Thou shall not loot; and whosoever shall loot shall be in danger of the judgment:

(22) But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his party without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say, stop looting, shall be in danger of penury, the elder brother of poverty.

(23) Therefore if thou bring thy loot to the UK, and there rememberest that the EFCC has case against thee

(24) Leave thy loot in a UK bank and go to Dubai; first be reconciled to the EFCC Chairman and come and enjoy thy loot.

(25) Bribe thy prosecutors quickly while thou art in the way with him; lest at any time he deliver thee to the judge, and the judge sentence thee, and thou be cast into prison.

(26) Verily I say unto you, thou shall by no means come out thence, till thou hast entered a plea bargain.

 

To be continued on omojuwa.com

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Responses

  1. this zebbook boy don kolo finally oh, chai.

    • Na you be my oga now, with the kolo and everything, twale!

  2. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha …. Bukkie ma pa mi pelu erin oooooo! I love this! KUDOS my guy.

    • Heheheheheheheh……….. Toyin, rora rerin o! I love you, sorry I love this too. Thanks sis

  3. Beautiful. Can’t say more!!!

  4. I applaud U sir..infact flesh and Blood has nt revealed dis to U

    • LOL, not flesh and blood indeed! Thanks Sir

  5. Hmmmmmm……………funnybut true

    • Truth in humour, thanks bro

  6. Reblogged this on Pepperosy's Blog.

    • Ha….. I’m gonna reblog it too, told Bukky as soon as I read it. Genius!!!!! You don’t know how good you are.

      • I dont, but I believe you!

  7. chei! Brilliant appropriation.

    God help Nigeria!

    • Amen! We cant get tired of praying for her. Thanks for reading SIr

  8. Awesome! Pls which chapter in the unholy book can iit be found? Lmfao

    • Unholy Book? Now thats a new one, might get to use it someday. Hehehehe

  9. Good one and very ingenious indeed. It is the sermon our politicians and other public office holders would want preached to them. However, the day of reconing is coming when there loots shall not be able to save them.

    • The day of reckoning draws nearer for them, justice shall travel through this land and our people shall be liberated!

  10. Good one and very ingenious indeed. It is the sermon our politicians and other public office holders would want preached to them. However, the day of reconing is coming when there loots shall not be able to save them. God bless Nigeria

  11. Gives one a smile in the face of the many monsters confronting us. Brilliant.

  12. Very brilliant piece!

    • Thanks so very much!

  13. LOOTITUDE AS A CONCEPT WIL GRADUALLY FIND ITS WAY INTO THE NIGERIA’S POLITICAL LEXICON. I SALUTE UR UNIQUE INGENUITY AND SENSE OF DERISION. BUT LET ME ADD “blessed are those who may defiantly lead d Legislooters probe committee against d status-quo, for they shall forfeit their second term ticket”

    • LOL, I love the flow…………… I just might use that in Chapter Two

  14. LMAO!!! This is sic! Good job hun 🙂

    • You know how we do it now, #SUPERBLOGGERS

  15. waiting to see you do one from the book of the other popular religion and see what comments would be made.

    • I dont think we should bring religion into this, lets just enjoy the satire.

  16. Nice one Bukky. May be it should be “Lootitude : The sermon on Mount Aso ” . Kudos!!

  17. It is no wonder, Nigerians are winning all the winnable awards there are in the writing world. Keep the ink from drying and the only way is to continue writing. Give it up to you.

    • There are talents all over the country, all we need do is get men of vision into positions of power.

  18. Comical but sadly is the reality in Nigeira. Nice article.

    • A sad reality it is! Thanks

  19. Reblogged this on TOPE OLOWU'S BLOG.

  20. LWKMD. Oh Bukola, You are soooo talented, its amazing. I read it over and over again. Please na! Propose na. So that my children go know book too. Well done B.

    • LMAO! That there is a very selfish reason for wanting to marry me, do you even love me at all? Or its just the grey matter upstairs you are after? LOL

      • LOL. Haba boo! Of course I love u na!The grey matter upstairs is just a bonus.

  21. The lootitudes delivered on the mount of ineptitude…you brightened my evening

    • I am happy I did, lets keep the fire burning.

  22. A very nice piece

    • Thanks a bunch.

  23. While it cld be said to be ingenious, I felt I was reading the desecrated Word of God! It was mockery @ worse! You took a beautiful passage and uglified it in the name of what?? You cld written beautifully w/out going down this path. Sad.

    • @ Hauwa Abdullahi; Honestly, I agree with you because I felt the same way when I read it at first. But on second thoughts, it’s actually not what it you think it is. This is a satire, aimed at the hearts of hypocrites who hide behind the sacredness of their titles and authority to commit their wicked acts.

      This approach wasn’t meant to desecrate God or blasphem Him. I tell you, even God has put His stamp on it!! You can ask Him yourself-He’ll tell you.

      • We have serious problems in this nation Sis, serious ones!

    • Desecrate the word of God? Uglified a passage? Are you a Nigerian?

  24. Very funny, but brilliant. He is giving them tips on both sides(EFCC and you know) . But watch ur back o.

    • LOL, nothing do me jare.

  25. A nice one there

  26. The Lootitudes?? We need to run a national advert about this-on newspapers, TV, Print, Internet……..what do you think? Great Article!!

    • The lootitudians control the print and electronic media o, na we own social media so our campaign continues here until we overthrow them. Thanks for reading!

  27. Reblogged this on yomzie.

  28. Ah ah ah!awon eleyi, won ko yati*permit my razzness*…You are the best.GBAM!

    • Dey razz dey go abeg, do ya thing

  29. This is hillarious.

  30. Brilliant piece! LWKMD!!!

    • Thanks for reading!

  31. This is funny but trueeeeeee……From the holy book (ARV) Aso-Rock Revised Version.

    • ARV, na so! Hehehehe

  32. Thanks!

  33. Zebbook, you haff kill person oh. Abeg we dey wait for the part two.

    • You might need to buy tickets to read the other Chapters though.

  34. Blessed are the writers, for they shall reveal the truths. Zebbook, please go and patent that word against all the LOOTOCRATS

    • Yes Boss! We go copyright am.

  35. Hilarious yet true

  36. This is the society we live in…very sad plight 4 we Nigerians. Verily, verily I say unto you, unless a man be born of loot, he shall not see the kingdom of wealth and immunity…

  37. Nice one, actually d truth.

  38. Reblogged this on Hasarla: Creating A New Reality.

  39. Reblogged this on thisiseseosa and commented:
    This is an amazing piece from a writer I look up to.

  40. I am speechless that’s y I haven’t commented till now. I am sure Jona and his ppl sef must have seen it. In church right now and Pastor Tunde Bakare was quoting the Lootitudes. Zebbook I celebrate you.

  41. I have been looking for this article…I could remember reading the advert on Twitter. Great Conceptualisation, Zebbook. This’s a sound product from a creative mind. A sad story of a great nation!

  42. Orinigal n true…I’m compelled to comment.

  43. Hmm,all ministers of God who are real change agents must read this! Else,Babylonian system will penetrate……..God bless you sir!

  44. Quite inventive

  45. This is crazy and hillarious. Can’t stop laffing.

  46. God shall bless thee for thy truth which ye has spoken. Three bgoza bgoza gboza!!! For you

  47. NICE MAN , YOU JUST BROUGHT THEM OUT TO THE PUBLIC. KEEP THE GOOD WORK .

  48. Hilarious, brilliant. However i just can’t imagine the number Igbo shops, churches, Christian homes that will be burnt if a part of the Quran was allegedly ‘mistranslated’ or ‘modified’ like this……am not too comfortable with the murder of this passages.. I can understand with Hauwa Abdullahi

  49. Reblogged this on THE LIGHT OF AFRICA!! and commented:
    Behold d height of creativity & d beauty of humour

    Note dat dis is d same writer now under fire 4tweetin sumtin lik “If Jesus criticises Jonathan, his govt will accuse Jesus of fuckin Mary Magdalene”
    He he he… Funny but true. Dont u agree?

    Nigerians ar hypocrites, I swear. Zebbook, well done jarè


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