Posted by: zebbook | May 25, 2012

Naijasynthesis: Evolution of a SCAM icon!

Naijasynthesis: Evolution of a SCAM icon!
By Adebowale Adejugbe
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It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

Knowledge becomes evil if the aim be not virtuous. ~ Plato
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I’m a Nigerian first before any other thing. It takes nothing away from my joy even if we are governed by an army of imbeciles. Believe me!

It makes it easier for me to talk about us and get away with few sticks compared to someone who is not. It gets better though, as I won’t mind if I get the sticks like no other but I’ll speak my mind.

We are, in essence like the “negative of reasoning” in most aspects of the human sphere. Our existence is so intrinsically intertwined yet extremely polarized that most people can’t say two words without going tribal. Just watch out the COMMENTS space after this piece to understand how sad our tribal “idiocism” has taken us.

We suffer from several scams and “ism” plus Institutional malnutrition a la Subsidy scam, Pension funds scam, Capital
market scam, Power sector scam, Telecommunication scam, Contracts scam, Education funds scam, NLC/TUC scam, Tariff Scam, Bankole Scam, Transcorp scam, Leadership malnutrition, Militants scam, BokoHaram scam, Dull ministers scam, Religious scam, Electricity tariff scam, Loganic effect scam etc and our reactions to these when people speak out are either tribal sentimentality or Idiotic rhetoric that helps no one.

In Nigeria, We provide for ourselves, security guards when we need to safeguard lives, dig boreholes when we need potable water, buy generators when in need of electricity and grade our streets to have motorable roads. Yet, we have a government saddled with the responsibilities of providing these and more (they defraud us by taxing us, because it goes to no use).
If you speak out, someone believes you have a hidden agenda because the president is not from your region or you want a seat at the devil’s table.

I decided to make my own path to success.

My name is Christian Abiati (forget what it rhymes with) and I’m here to tell you a story about myself and my journey into the world of icons. I hold a first degree in political science, Masters Degree in “human behavioural science” and a Doctorate in “Evolution of the politics of this age”. I graduated at the top of my classes.

You have to admit that I’ll be a genius and a special one at that!
Please read with awe at my awesomeness and legendary iconic ability.

Let’s shoot!

Naijasynthesis is the process by which humans, some wise, and some foolish use the energy of education and free will to produce ideas, which they convert into inferior imitations, the “fuel” used by “almost” all living Nigerians.

Remember I told you about my degree in Human Behavioural Science, I study human as a hobby as well as professionally. I know these things, my point is not to brag here but to let you know the result of one of my works titled “Naijasynthesis”.

I was born on the other side of perfect just like most Nigerians, I had to walk to school shoeless, saw the intellectuals / Nationalists like Ahmadu Bello, Obafemi Awolowo, Chinua Achebe, Nnamdi Azikwe, Wole Soyinka, Fela Kuti, Tafawa Balewa etc as gods, fought hard to earn a scholarship to study abroad but never materialized, dreamt of the good future and life of affluence that awaited me, had the incredible dream of being the best in my field – to saturate humanity with my awesome ideas – and go on to win laurels for it.

Nigerians, for all I know, are people with incredible dreams always looking for an avenue to fulfill them (either right or not). We survive in all kinds of weather alien to all sane men. We live by an unwritten rule of not upsetting the cart and in turn our children are born in this mental slavery created by us out of fear of the unknown.
In a simple term, we’ll rather endure than forcefully ask for our right- waiting for a messiah to arise in a “blaze of glory” and give it to us on a platter.

After my PhD and countless unsuccessful job interviews, I decided to try my hands on politics but couldn’t command the financial support needed to compete or get nominated. So, I abandoned it.

My next call was to try what these young kids called “maga/mugu” business, but had to leave when those kids tried introducing me to the fetish world. This world ehn!

I had tried being an electoral officer to help bring a peaceful and rewarding democratic process, I took to my heels when all I could get was N1000 for 50 fake voters card. That wasn’t rewarding.

From there, I started applying my knowledge into formulating an incredible principle to contribute to our political life and the ethos of government. It didn’t see the light of the day because all the politicians rejected it in its entirety but praised my genius without rewarding it.

You’ll be amazed at the different things I did in trying to fend for myself and at the same time being useful to my world; nothing worked. I considered ending it all several times but waited for a last shot at glory.

I decided to become a government critic, took a loan that had a 50% interest rate to package myself – the blazers, the interviews, the posh language, the touting of my certificates, the editorials that became a hit , my rhetorics quickly turned into a national slogan…..I was made! – to be feared.

It worked!

Not long after, the government came calling and I took the best deal possible. I’m in affluence and power now, I say things no one else tries to emulate for fear of being arrested or victimized. I don’t give a bloody hoot about my friends again. I’m a god!
The little price I paid for these is being a publicly derided individual whose words can’t be trusted or embraced, no matter how glowing; but my loans had been paid and I can buy a whole city now.

Who cares about the court of public opinion anymore? Not me! How can you expect me to stay loyal when (under my funny face) my life was being eaten away by loans.

You want a lesson in Naijasynthesis, please follow my evolution into the corridors of power.

I am the Naija dream!!!

Adebowale Adejugbe
You can follow me on twitter (@deboadejugbe)

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Responses

  1. @ debo(mazw1)this is another mind blowing piece from you. Very lovely. We need constructive criticism is Nigeria politics and that’s what you’re doing. Abbati is suffering from verbal diarrhoea. He’s just after his pocket. There are so many unborn child that would send/rain curse on their father/grandfather/great-grandfathers. Keep it up bro. Your voice is being heard

  2. Beautiful piece

  3. This is a brilliant piece, well done Debo! I expected no less.

    This is the story of what most Nigerians go through, what they hope for: the Big Break that will nil out all their sacrifices?

    Why do I feel this tale was a bit rushed near the end though? I would have loved for the descent into the ‘dark side’ to be fleshed out more. The battle (or absence of it) with his conscience.

    Still I can taste the rise from the pits of hell into hedonis. I can smell the smell of green as he jumped onto the backwagon of political oppulence.

    Only one question: when is the sequel?

  4. Lovely parody!

  5. This is a lovely write-up. Thump up bro. I actually don’t expect nothing less.

  6. Speechless ! This is marvellous I can’t help thinking of George Owens Animal farm. I never knew time will produce an even greater one in my home country Nigeria. This is brilliant !

  7. mind blowing parody, waiting for the sequel!

  8. @ Mase1: Lets keep believing, this country is ours to to effect a meaningfully worthwhile change(s). The end to all these misnomer is in sight.

  9. Fantastic piece Debo. And no, I will not forget what that name rhymes with. Well done D.

  10. The fear of the unknown is what has crippled and will continue to cripple many Nigerians. Sad!. Nice piece (as expected)


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